tree of life

I've been debating on whether or not to add this to my blog or not. I thought I'd be too exposed sharing a personal struggle of mine. However, I believe God wants me to. What better way to witness and grow people's faith than to share your own story? This post is the reason I named my blog, "Tree of Life."

In December of 2007 Erik and I decided we wanted to add to our family. Isaias had recently turned 2 years old, and I had FINALLY convinced Erik to add on to our family. Plus, we wanted a sibling for Isaias.

We began trying to conceive. Each month I would take a pregnancy test to see if it was the month, and each time it was negative.  Many months went by. I began getting discouraged and would cry about it often when I was alone. What was wrong with me? Why is it taking so long God? I thought this was supposed to happen quickly like it does with everyone else!

After close to a year of trying I decided to call the doctor and I scheduled an appointment. In the meantime they ran test after test. I waited for this doctor's appointment for 3 long months, and by this time it was February 2009. When my appointment day finally came I waited anxiously for the doctor. All the test results were in, and I was just waiting to be given an answer. She diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS for short). I think I'll let WebMd explain this one:

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)

PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome, is a common hormonal disorder in women that with interferes with the growth and release of eggs from the ovaries, or ovulation. It is the most common cause of infertility among women. PCOS occurs when a woman's body overproduces sex hormones, called androgens. The hormone imbalance prevents fluid-filled sacs in the ovaries from breaking open and releasing mature eggs. The fluid-filled sacs bunch together, causing many tiny cysts. Symptoms of PCOS include missed periods, abnormal facial and body hair growth, acne, and weight gain. PCOS may run in families.

I had already done research online and believe God prepared me for this diagnosis since I was sure it's what I had. I wasn't afraid or depressed about it though. That I know was God working in me because fear runs deep inside me and has all my life. As I drove home after that appointment I began praising God. One thing my Dad always says is to praise God always. Not just when things are going right, but all the time because He is worthy to be praised.

Now that I had a diagnoses I was ready to move on and help treat it with medication and keep going. In this time I prayed with friends and family. God didn't say much to me except that it will be His timing, not mine. That answer was so hard for me to deal with. I was always in control of things and I was forced to hand over control to God. The only thing I could do was pray. There were verses that I held onto and taped on my mirror to see each morning. Here are a few of them:

Delight yourself in the LORD and he

will give you the desires

of your heart.”

Psalm 37:4

So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course.

Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven.

The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the

Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God,

nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to

life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown

of all his creatures.

James 1:16-18

Three short weeks after going to the doctor I again took another pregnancy test. This time, it was positive! We were so ecstatic! After over a year of trying we were pregnant! I decided to wait though until my 10 week check-up before I told people. Oh waiting until then took forever! I was so glad after the 10 week check-up to be able to spread the news! 

At my next OB appointment I went to by myself. Erik was working and didn't want to bother him to take off work. I went in for my 14 week check-up. The nurse came in and did the usual routine by checking blood pressure, getting my weight, and so forth. Then when the doctor came in went to hear the heartbeat but she wasn't picking up anything. I started to get worried since she couldn't find it. She said they would do a sonogram to check things out. Within 15 minutes I was in another room for the sonogram. The sonogram technician then had to break the news to me. My baby had no heartbeat and had gone to be with Jesus. She said the baby measured 10 1/2 weeks, which meant shortly after my last appointment my baby had died and I didn't know it until over 3 weeks later. I started crying uncontrollably and cried like I hadn't cried in years.  

My whole life I still felt like a child. Even after having my son, getting married, and buying a house I still hadn't felt like a grown-up. After my miscarriage it was as if I'd been shoved into adulthood too abruptly and rudely.

Every time I saw a pregnant woman or a sweet baby being cradled by their mother I would long for that so deeply. Baby showers were especially hard for me. I wouldn't hold babies or make too much of a fuss over them. The hurt was so deep inside I avoided certain people simply because they had a baby. I remember going to one baby shower and I had to leave the room because I couldn't quit crying.

November 2009 came and we found out I again, was pregnant. We were much more cautious about it this time. I had an appointment on December 31st for a sonogram. I had some light bleeding and told the technician. The doctor called me back that same day and said there was a blood clot and I would be miscarrying soon. So, I spent New Years Eve miscarrying once again. Erik, Isaias, and I actually spent that evening with some amazing God friends. I was so glad that if I had to miscarry my baby it was going to be in the company of some of my favorite people. Those are your true friends. 

After the second miscarriage the doctor very much wanted to do testing to see why. She said it could be from PCOS, but I felt like God didn't want me to. I told the doctor at this point I didn't want any testing done.

In February 2010 I found out I was pregnant once again. I was so scared. I only told a few of my closest friends and family. I had 2 sonograms before I went in for my first appointment.  At my 10 week check-up Erik and I heard the heartbeat. It was good and strong. I still had my guard up though. I asked to go in each week to check the heartbeat until I was 14 weeks along. Things were still good at 14 weeks so we decided to spread the news! I was still hesitant and afraid something would still happen. Things progressed great through the pregnancy. :)

On November 15th, 2010, Lily was born! Erik and I were blessed with another beautiful child! God is so good!!!!!

Going through this made me rely more on God. There was not a thing in my power I could do. I was forced to rely solely on Him, which is something I didn't do before. I usually try to take things on myself. Now I can step back at this point in my life and see at least one thing that came out of this. My faith in God is much stronger than I could ever have imagined. God proved just how BIG he really is! It was definitely in His timing too, not mine! 

A good friend of mine made me this. I love how she is always so thoughtful and uses her talents to bless people. It's in Lily's room now.

If you ever come to my house, there's a frame near our front window with our family picture and a pair of teeny tiny feet that Erik bought. That's how big baby feet are at 10 weeks along.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing

fulfilled is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12