This blog post is a little harder for me than others. Why? It has to do with my parenting. One of the things I'm most sensitive to. There have been so many nights that I've cried late at night over my parenting. I tend to be pretty hard on myself.
I've been able to pinpoint the issue back to when Lily was born. As we all know babies need so much more care and attention since they can't do anything for themselves. Between going back into the hospital for jaundice, breastfeeding full-time, keeping the house clean, dinner, and everything else I was worn out. Lily had colic too. The first 2-3 months she wouldn't go to sleep until anywhere from 2-4a.m. Crying. The whole time. Erik had to be to work at 8 am and I couldn't stay up the whole time every night with her. Neither of us had the patience. Talk about being tired! I was trying to be a supermom and didn't ask for help from friends and family. With that being said, my time with Isaias dwindled along with my patience. I have so much guilt about it, it's ridiculous. I knew things were going downhill but I couldn't figure out what to do. I would pray often about it. See, Isaias was an only child for 5 years. All my time went to him, so the change of having a baby was hard. We are totally in love with Lily and prayed for her for years, so, please don't think I'm placing any blame on her. There was change that needed to happen on my end that the kids couldn't do anything about. It had to be with God's help though.
I kept trying some different things with Isaias to get things better. I knew his love language was quality time so I would try to go out with him different places for a "date night." Things didn't seem to get better. He's a sweet, loving, and thoughtful boy but when started butting heads I knew something needed to change. There was a wedge there that I couldn't seem to move, and it weighed me down every single day.
Very recently I had a friend who was talking about the book, The Five Love Languages of Children. I got through most of the book a couple years ago but never finished it. Sometimes books need to be read again as situations and people change. To sum it up, this book talks about how children have a "love tank" that gets filled depending on what their love language is. Children need a little from each area but emphasizing on their top love language is critical. Here are the 5:
1) Physical Touch
2)Words of Affirmation
3)Quality Time
4) Gifts
5) Acts of Service
I finally finished reading the book a couple weeks ago. At the end of the book there was a quiz for children to determine their love language. They recommend age 5 and up for this quiz. I figured, oh, what the heck, I'll give it a try. The results were unexpected. For years I knew, or I thought I knew that Isaias' love language was quality time. Turns out that's number 3 on his list! The top two (that tied) were Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation! I immediately began thinking of things I could do to test it out. I immediately put it to the test and started by helping him clean his room. My niece, Juliana, was there and helped too. While we were cleaning Isaias said, "I feel so excited!" I asked him why and he said, "Because you guys are helping me clean my room!" See, Isaias felt loved because we were doing a service for him and that told him we loved him! I've been trying to give him encouraging words too. Not only am I being more careful of what I say, but how I say it. Children whose top love language is words of affirmation take it harder when people are mean. Another thing I'm working on is if I'm busy doing something, I want to take time and listen to what my son has to say. I want him to know that he can come to me, at 6 years old, and tell me all the good and bad things about his day. Or even just to tell me about a cool move he did on the Wii. This way when he's 16 and being pressured at school or has a situation he still knows I'll be there for him. If we, as parents give them the love they need when they're young and growing, they'll be able to handle situations better when their love tanks are full. I want to give him the tools he needs to get through life. When I'm trying to encourage Isaias I try to be careful. I don't want to say that I love his drawings ALL the time because I want him to feel that sense of accomplishment. I also don't want him to worry about what others think. He needs to be proud of something for himself. Instead I'll notice things like, "look at all those colors you used!" I'm not sure if that all makes sense. Sometimes I have a hard time expressing my thoughts, so, hopefully blogging will help!
I've seen so much of a difference in Isaias! It's like night and day! In just 24 hours! I know God orchestrated it all. God's planning and timing is perfect. He has also given me more patience. I know that I know that I KNOW that is God for sure! I couldn't do that on my own!
This blog post was not just to share personal information. I believe God wanted me to share it. In the off chance that I didn't hear right, he'll still see that I'm doing what I believe he wants me to and bless me for it.
Many women struggle with their parenting and if I can give one ounce of help by sharing this, then it's worth it. I want to highly recommend The Five Love Languages for Children to everybody who has kids, grandchildren, or is even just around children at all. If there are behavior issues going on with a child, their tank first and foremost needs to be filled. Behavior problems after that are much more minimal. After that I think Love and Logic is a great book to read.
The wedge between my son and I is getting smaller each day, and I know soon it will be gone. Those are the things about life that excite me! More than a new couch, car, house, clothes, or any material possession. I was once asked after Lily was born if I felt more for Lily than Isaias because she was a girl. Bad question to ask, right?! Well, my honest answer is that I LOVE both of my kids so much and I love them equally. They each have a uniqueness to them. They're both very lovable, sweet, smart children. I love my kiddies to pieces! :)
If a child lives with criticism
He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility
He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule
He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame
He learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance
He learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement
He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise
He learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness
He learns justice.
If a child lives with approval
He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship
He learns to find love in the world.
- By Dorothy Law Nolte
